Feelings from a year of "Personal Worsts"

I see the giant red numbers on the clock by the finish line. 02:14:4x My heart sinks and I know I haven't made it. Sub 2 hour is out the window. But no time to start the negative self-talk now (that'll come later), I have to dig deep and finish strong!

I lengthen my stride little by little to get myself into my usual finish line sprint and take a deep breath. Nothing. No air. I exhale quickly and try again. But again there's no air and I choke a bit, panicking. What is happening? What's up lungs?! My legs keep going and my arms keep pumping. I gasp and finally get a bit of much needed air. Ok. Small breaths work, keep doing small breaths.

02:14:54! Push! You can do this! You can cross under 02:15:00!!

As I crossed the finish line, I thought to myself:

• What happened back there lungs? Maybe I should stop doing my finish line sprints?
• Maybe it was the combination of the cold weather and my tired lungs.
• But my chest doesn't feel as worked up as it did in my last race. Was I not working hard enough?
• My legs, how are you guys feeling? Alright alright. Much better than last year.
• So I started about 7 minutes after the 8:45 gun... so I can take 7 minutes off of that big clock's time....
• Damn it. No miracle in time is going to cut me another 7 minutes of slack to get below 2 hours.
• Should have expected this. I knew this was going to happen, but I had hoped for a miracle. 
• I should've trained harder. I should've trained!!
• Man, this SUCKS!

The negative self-talk just came pouring in. But none of it was new to me, I'd heard it all before from myself during the lazy training days before the race. All my self-doubt had been rolling itself up into a tight ball of yarn all summer and my inner gremlin (in this case, I'll personify it as a demon kitty?) was waiting for this opportunity to pounce on it, and watch it unravel. And it didn't stop after I finished the race. After running STWM this October, I've really had to unravel my metaphorical ball of running yarn and find the beginning again.

It's taken me over 2 months to finish this post because part of me just doesn't want to write about it. Anyone who has run a few races and set personal goals has heard the term "personal best". But "personal worsts"? Much less inspiring right? But the truth is, any runner will tell you that running isn't just about building yourself up! There's also coping with the sick days, the lulls in training, the lazy days, and the why-did-I-think-this-was-a-good-idea-in-the-first-place-when-athleticism-obviously-doesn't-run-in-my-family days. (Side note: this isn't a blog about running anyways!)

Secondly, part of me just always imagined that my running would (only) improve. Haha. How silly of me right? With experience and training, naturally my finishing times should see an ever so slight decrease right? The "personal worst" will always be my first attempt at a certain distance! But this year has proven that naive theory wrong because my finishing times show the complete opposite.

• Sporting Life 10K (May): 53:34
• Barrie Half Marathon (June): 2:03:07
• Longboat Toronto Island 10K (September): 55:31 
• Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Half-Marathon (October): 2:07:25

I write the numbers out to help myself remember what happened. It's taken me a while not to feel these numbers looking down on me. Frankly, I've felt a lot of things looking down on me for the past year (which I'll get into more detail in the next post). And the pressure that I put on myself in other areas of my life inevitably became projected onto my running goals as well. "Even if I can't do anything right this year, I can at least accomplish my goal of finishing under 2 hours at STWM!" This statement was a repeated track on the broken record of my mind, and it only became louder at the end of September, as STWM creeped around the corner. Summer had gone and although I typically enjoyed running in below 20C weather, I can't say I enjoyed my training for STWM that much. It just felt like "training" and I wasn't running for the same reasons that made me start and love running. Our motivations behind our passions can change with time, but in my case, I was not ready for the different mindset and pushing myself into it didn't do me any good. Running and I... kind of lost our meaningful connection last summer, into October.

But what's happened since October?

Thanks to the warmer winter this year, I've been able to keep running at least twice a week. During these 2 months of running, the "ghosts of races past" have definitely followed me. And I kept running. A 4k after work or a 10k in the morning. No training schedule, just random distances. When I was excited to get out and when I was tired but I knew I would only feel better at the other end. I just kept running. When it was -5C and my parents asked me why I was running, I just told them because I wanted to and kept running. And that's how I remembered that behind all my thoughts about distances and goals, form and breathing... I always tell myself one thing: Just keep running! Whether it's training day, race day or a run-for-fun day: Always keep running.

Was it my persistence to run after October "despite" my underwhelming race year that kept me running again? Or maybe yet another goal to achieve before the end of 2015? Did I tell myself to keep running, or else?? Nope. Nah. And NO. I have not made any grand running goals or turned running into an obsession or self-injurious behaviour. I've just been running with myself, and having some much needed reflective conversation with myself. Whereas before, I was running with lots of pressure (mainly self-imposed) on my shoulders. I've also been meeting up with running friends, renewing friendships through running and making new connections through the shared interest in staying active in life. Simply put, I've just been running for the sake of running. I guess for me, the "KISS" principle works best.

A note about the Longboat race: I got to be there for my friend's first 10K!! 
She was so happy. I was so happy for her! 

How could I let some numbers overshadow this?!

My feelings from the "personal worsts" are slowly becoming just "personal" feelings. It's not that I've become faster in order to run away from the "worsts". Trust me, those feelings are still here. My running reflects the ups and downs of my life when I'm wearing other shoes. I've never been about the numbers. I don't even run with a watch! But given how unsuccessful I've felt in terms of achieving some goals in other areas of my life, I put a lot of stress on myself for running "good" races this year. Running is literally an act of forward motion, and I wanted to feel like I was moving forward so badly in the past year, that I put aside the "why" of running and focused on an arbitrary "what" to run for. Once I realized that (and believe me, this took a while), I've made a conscious decision to drop these fun-sucking thoughts and focus on what makes running "personal" to me.

For a goal-oriented person like me, this hasn't been easy. It's an active choice to choose meaning as a goal, over everything else. The new connections I've made with both marathon veterans and those new to running, the physical and mental boundaries that I've stretched, and the growing bonds made from a shared passion for the run are what makes running personal to me. Running continues to remind me that although I may be running alone, I am not lonely. There are others like me who seek the meaning through running. 

"You do what you love and fuck the rest." I choose to end this post by quoting Dwayne (played by Paul Dano), from Little Miss Sunshine (one of my favourite movies) because a) I can't find better words do describe why I keep running for the sake of running and b) I am watching the movie right now. :)

Special shout out to the Hot Potatoes, Kate Cheung and the Fearless Dragons (猛龍長跑隊), and those whom I've met and bonded with recently through running. Thank you for sharing your stories of sweat, sorrow and success, tears and fears, and goals and dreams. Whether you're from my past or present, I hope we cross paths for some runs in 2016 and beyond. You know who you are. Thank you all! ^_^

Until 2016, just keep running!